Advice to Men   Leave a comment

        Advice to Men

                                   Part 1

Transribed by

Zahra Abdullah

Treatment of women in view of the Salaf, the treatment and akhalaq one should have, how a Muslim should behave towards other people I.e co-workers, neighbours and the etiquettes that should be demonstrated from him to other people is something that is not exclusive outside the home. Sometimes a person would treat other people who are foreign to them or unknown to them better and he would treat strangers better than he would treat those close to him to the point that some of them used to say about such a person that he who does that is lika an ostrich when he is with the enemy but he is like a lion with us (meaning his close ones).

The most horrible two character trace you can have is Al-Kibir arrogance and al-juhun cowardly conduct. What will compel such people to behave in such a way with those that are not close to them it isn’t fear of Allah but rather it is cowardice, that they behave that way because at the same time those they should show kindness to them and best treatment they show arrogance to them. And so the Akhlaq that should be demonstrated and the Adab that should be utilised and the etiquette that should be shown to the closest person who is his wife it should be on a level of Islamic Akhalaq and Islamic Adab that is very very high.

He should treat his wife in a way that makes her realise she is the most beloved person to him after the messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) that she is the most beloved person to you amongst the people you have come across.

As Sheikh Abdurahman As-Sadi Aziz said in his book Ar Riyadu Naadira that the person with husnul khuluk yuhubu adhu that the person who has good character than he is loved by his enemies and the person with suul khuluk with bad character even his children run away from him, his wife she runs away from him those who are close to him are afraid of him and don t trust him. And so today we want to mention some guidelines of how a Muslim should deal with others and his wife. Allah swt said “And deal with them in a way that is maroof (good)”

And he swt said when one takes back his wife after divorce he should deal with her in a good manner. The scholars of tafseer say he maintains a good relationship with her so that if he takes her back he can treat her good. And should take her back with good intention and not with the intention to harm her I.e to get revenge on her, the fight that lead to the divorce wasn’t good enough so he takes her back to get even some more. Allah swt ordered that you take her back in a way that is good, so you can have a good relationship with her and deal with her in a way that is good, or you realise her in a way that is good. The Messenger of Allah (Saw) said as reported by Al Bukhari and Muslim may allah have mercy on them upon the authority of Abu Hurraira “I advice you that you deal with women well” Allah’s Messenger (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said: The believers who have the most perfect faith are the best in conduct and the best men among you are the ones who are best to their wives.”

Live with them on good terms.” Allah says: “Retain them on good terms or release them on good terms.”

A way that entails gentleness and kindness because the women they have been created from a rib and the most crooked part of the rib is the highest part. The prophet (saw) said I have been sent with concise speech” and to “perfect character”

The Ulma they say because the women have short-commings and they are deficient so the man he should be upon the highest level of goodness, he should be kamil as regards to akhalaq and he should be a person who is trying to impart that on those he is around and the most deserving of those he is around are those that are closest to him, so the prophet pbuh advices kindness to the women and he stated the reason and he closed that advice.

Hadith “when Allah wants good for a people of a household he would cause kindness and gentleness to enter into that household, and that kindness will take over the people of that household. The way a man speaks to his wife would be kind and it will have an affect. A friend is one who brings you in. If a person is confrontational than those they are confrontational towards may become confrontational. If a person is argumentative he had a wife who had haya modesty she was shy she didnt have that in her nature but the way he dealt with her over they years made her combating with him, she became argumentative with him, she became from those that want to win the screaming match, who can scream louder and we all know who can scream the loudest (laughs).

So the prophet pbuh adviced with kindness and gentleness this is something which applies to everything. “Kindness and gentleness is not in a thing except it purifies it” and its taken from a thing except it makes it ugly. Some Arabs used to say that “your statement be kind and let your face be friendly” will give more love to the people than the one who gives from his wealth.

There are general guidelines laid out by Islam regarding treatment of people and in particularly women, regarding how one behaves towards them and how one behaves with them, with statements that apply to each of these things one statement for one thing and one statement for another. The akhalaq that is coming from you is one thing and the akhalaq of how you respond to what is coming from them is another statement.

As regards to how one responds first and foremost to the way that he is being treated or to the actions that are being done by a person that he is addressing those actions with his actions.

The ulma they say that “The most concise and inconclusive and comprehensive thing that has come about that is the statement of Allah when he said: “Take the pardoning and order with what is good and turn away from the jahiliyah” As for this statement “take the pardoning, shaykh Abdurahman a Said says “As for when one thing that is disliked one an act that is disliked is ill treatment ill-treatment the act comes from ones companion or one a person is interacting with or anyone that is like them, whether that be his wife or his child, his friend, parents. He said that when that occurs when ill-treatment comes from a person and a person in reaction totally wipes out and totally disacknowledges everything of good that has come from that person” like the statement of a woman that she sees one thing from her husband, that she doesn’t like she says “By Allah I have never seen anything good from you” as the messenger of Allah said about the woman. One of the Ulma of Yemen sheikh Wasabee hafiduhullah said that “the messenger of Allah saw said this because this occurs more from women than the man but this doesn’t mean it does not occur from the men, that they see one thing they dislike from the spouse and they say: “I haven’t seen anything good from you”, disacknowledging everything because of one statement or one action which she did which he disliked because her tongue was sharp or because he didn’t like her response to what he said, or she didn’t rush to do what he wanted in a good way or his food wasn’t prepared quick enough.

The Salaf they used to say that “the worst thing a man can have that he can be described with is that he is a guest to his family all the time” that he expects his family to be like his servants, serving him hand and foot, he demands three meals a day as though his wife has nothing to do, as though the children haven’t run her crazy as though she isn’t tired of seeing to the children. He is a guest in his home, they have been married twenty years, he acts like a king, but she wishes she could be a queen, but his a king he gets the services, but the services are not reciprocated in the same way. As Aisha ra said when she was asked about what the messenger (saw) did during the day, she said that he used to be in the service of his family. The writer of the book [Mukhtasar Minhaj AlQasidin] said from the good aspects of marriage is that it is difficult for one person to do all the chores of the house from the cleaning of the dishes, washing the clothing and so when there is another in the equation who can help with the responsibility that lightens those difficulties and so the person that he disacknowledges has come from his family. The sheikh said this method of seeing one thing you dislike and dismissing all the goodness in someone “is from the most tremendous of stupidity” and this is from a lack of loyalty and from having a lack of objectivity. He said “whoever is like that they are the furthest from the people of good character” and he said Surah Araf 99. Did they then feel secure against the Plan of Allah. None feels secure from the Plan of Allah except the people who are the losers.

To be continued insha allaah….

Posted March 12, 2011 by thesunnahway in Transcriptions

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